[ YouTube Link ]

We were in the middle of editing our Ford Fiesta Movement audition video and the power went out!

The gentle flutter of a long goodbye,
dissipates as you catch my eye.

And soon you speak with voice so soft,
no more was life who’s kilter off;

Standing there, across the room,
one soul’s smile caused the other to bloom.

©2010 Aaron Matthew Kaiser. All Rights Reserved.

The phone rang. I recognized the number, but answered anyway. It was another person I owed money, this time my Internet Service Provider for my office. I told them the same thing I’ve told everyone else regarding my car, insurance, storage, mail box, and cell phone: there isn’t enough money to go around. I barely had the funds to cover feeding my crew on the Ford Fiesta Movement audition shoot this past Saturday, and there are missing elements still (like a project hard drive) because I do not have the cash necessary to take care of the needs.

*CRASH* A wave splashes over me.

I remember my current struggles to find an editor for this project. I don’t have the proper equipment to handle it on my own and no one seems to be willing to help me for free. Those who are willing, don’t feel like they have time to commit. The delay, now jeopardizing the deadline for submission to Ford by the end of the month, begins to weigh me down.

*CRASH* Another wave hits me.

It takes me a moment to resurface and cough out the water in my lungs. I look over to a devotional that I was just given by one of my pastors. I think of how I haven’t spent as much time in the Word last year as I would have liked and I pick it up, not expecting much from today’s entry. I turn to January 15th and I read:

My face is shining upon you, beaming out Peace that transcends understanding. You are surrounded by a sea of problems, but you are face-to-Face with Me, your Peace. As long as you focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the myriad problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sink, simply call out “Help me, Jesus!” and I will lift you up.

Seriously? That was today’s entry? I feel as if the waves are crashing over me and around me and I open up the devotional and the words spoken—inspired by Philippians 4:7, Matthew 14:30, and Hebrews 12:2—talk about that very thing? Now, you tell me that God isn’t here, speaking to us today. You tell me that He doesn’t care about me individually (Luke 12:7 would argue that God counts the hairs on my head). This was meant exactly for me for this day and this very hour that I read it. Yes, it was meant for others as well, but there was a power and a timing to me getting this devotional last night and not two weeks ago, causing this to be the very first thing that I read out of it.

This entire situation has reminded me what I’ve been asking God to help me with the last couple of weeks: to rely and trust in Him, because He has it all under control. I ask Him to show me who to contact so that I can do my part, but not to stress out over that which I cannot contro

It’s also shown me one more thing: my writing has suffered this last year because I wasn’t in the Word as much as I should be. Yes, I have been allowed a certain amount of creativity within my projects, but this blog entry immediately flowed as soon as I tapped into the source of my creativity: the one who first created me. I desire to blog more and explore my walk with Christ and, if I am not seeking His face, then how am I to speak about Him? Just food for though.

[ YouTube Link ]

It’s a new year and it’s time to talk about the old one and how much we hate it. 2009 brought a lot of us a lot of pain and suffering and this is my take on it. Imagine if 2009 were a person and that person just died. What would you say at 2009’s funeral?

[ YouTube Link ]

I just got back from San Diego and was carrying a few things into my office, located in downtown Burbank, for safe keeping. I accidentally left a basket with what few Christmas presents I got this year on the roof of my car for ten minutes. When I returned, it was gone! This is my rant in the parking garage.

[ YouTube Link ]

What happens when your family buys you music for every birthday and Christmas over several years? A large CD collection, that’s what! It’s Christmas morning and we are taking a look at the CD collection that my cousin, Grant, has compiled over time. There are over 350 titles here, equaling about 17 days worth of music. Do you share his musical interests?

[ YouTube Link ]

Here is my second video blog for my AaronKaiserTV channel on YouTube.

I went to a Christmas party last night and tried to shoot a video of some cookies shaped like the kid from “A Christmas Story” wearing bunny pajamas. The video didn’t quite go as planned. Also, we set a pudding ball on fire. Boom.

[ YouTube Link ]

This is my first video blog for my new YouTube channel! I haven’t been this excited about a project in a long time and I made sure to jump into this with both feet so it didn’t become yet another “I’ll get to that eventually” project. So, I have my camera (Kodak Zi8) and as soon as I get some editing problems resolved, more videos will be coming soon!

Please make sure to check out the video, subscribe to the channel, and tell your friends so they don’t miss the new videos as they come out! I will be video blogging from a general/career perspective (as opposed to the personal/faith aspect that I most often touch on in my written blog) and there will undoubtedly be a few funny moments as well.

And then reality hit. The harsh, financial reality that has plagued me all fucking year. This year that has been worse than my “Year of Hell” in 2001. Month after month of barely scraping by, asking for loans from family members, never meeting my needs, and going without just because I can’t afford myself a single luxury. Another day where financial deadlines have come to a final impasse and there are no options on the table to remedy it. I can’t move because I am stuck and overwhelmed. I do my part in looking for work, but I’m caught in an awkward “between careers” position where I can’t get enough work in either industry to properly survive.

Quite frankly, I am fucking tired of it.

Yes, I swore. Twice now. Get over it.

I don’t know how much longer I can withstand before permanent change takes place. I’m not giving up, I’m just saying that I can’t stand up under this anymore. Just as I think I’m getting past one roadblock, another surprises me. What I think is a $50 traffic ticket about to be paid and cleared turns into an $800+ nightmare that I now have to fight with a judge over. I’m done. I need to figure out how to fulfill God’s calling in my life and remove the obstacles in my way. How much longer, Lord, must I endure this suffering?

That is one of the reasons why I am jumping in with both feet over this YouTube content. It’s going to get me out of any emotional ruts I am stuck in and force me to be creative. It is going to increase my exposure to the world and possibly land me some paying gigs. But most of all, it is going to help fulfill my calling to produce without waiting for large sums to drop in my lap, plus gives me the emotional pay off of being on camera as well. You have no idea what a rush I got last night as I helped with my friend’s video and looked up what camera I was going to buy for my stuff. I have to do this. I need to do this. Just as much as I need deliverance from the situation that I find myself in—my new Year of Hell.

Is the situation resolved? By no means! I still covet your prayers over my life, just know that they are working and keep them coming! Prayer saw a few bills paid after the beginning of the month and prayer saw me pick up a client last week that enabled me to secure my office at least until the end of the year! Prayer will likely be what lines up additional provisions for what bills I have in front of me now: car, insurance, storage, cell phone, etc.

I will be taking a few days off next week around Thanksgiving. I’m going back down to San Diego early and resting. I need it and what it will mean for having more “better days” after I am refreshed. Maybe I’ll even get some writing done.

Between those days off, taking care of my office, and the next few days as I house/cat-sit for one of my friends, I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I feel slightly renewed already and I know it’s because you are praying for me so that these dark places will change into a better days.